My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
