Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
