a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
