my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize