thus making me awesome and them whores
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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