So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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