So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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