Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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