We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
