I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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