If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My penis needs a shock collar
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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