Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
