I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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