I wish I only lived at night.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
