I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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