So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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