the condom got lost in my hair
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
