I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
