guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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