It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
