Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
