I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
