maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
