One girl and one boy is just not enough.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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