Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
