worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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