i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize