I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
