my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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