Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
