dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
