Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
