Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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