I skipped work to stalk him.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
