I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
