so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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