I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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