you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
