You can't special order awesome
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
