Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize