she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
