Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
