I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We are all done wearing pants today
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize