If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
