Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
