The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
