Im at strip club and am horny
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
