i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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