The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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