They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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