I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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