Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He felt like a one man threesome
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
