I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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