In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
