Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize