she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
