ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What a dumb baby whore.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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