That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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