I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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