I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
