just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
